Manchester United does, indeed, evoke a sort of implacable and swift-moving disease. When the Red Devils pour forward, the sound in the mind recalls the ripping-flesh roar of an Imperial fighter in Star Wars. Whereas Arsenal attacks in hope of composing a pleasant little minuet, Manchester United goes at a team with fury and rage and lethal intent. They are a bold and dreadful sight to behold, like a Roman legion stripped for battle against a ragtag band of barbarians.

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As everyone is saying, United should have tallied something more like 3 : 0 today. Not to put too fine a point on it or wax excessively crude, but Arsenal sucked. This limp little performance reflects very badly on Arsene Wenger, I think. In recent years, the case for Wenger has come perilously close, to paraphrase our President, to faith in things unseen. His manifest actions all seem to serve some Inscrutable Plan, which, if I were an Arsenal supporter, I would want to see become much more Scrutable very soon. “Well, it’s all very good, if you’re the likes of Chelsea and Manchester United, to win trophies and so forth…but WE, on the other hand, are INVESTING FOR THE FUTURE, you see…” A nice idea: I’m sure that 2014 quadruple will be one for the ages. In the meantime, when your substitutes in a crucial Champions League match consist of Eduardo and Nikolas Bendtner, who are you fucking kidding?